Childhood Lost

Childhood lost…

When Childhood is lost
humanity cries
for those alive…
walking with an arrogant stride
with heads up high in gruesome pride

Ah! the tear that falls no more
from the eye that’s all dry
The questioning look
and an expression that’s all sour

Wretched indeed
is life where life’s
innocence has been stolen
where there lies pain
excruciating pain
deep within the heart
sending shivers in the soul

truly when childhood is lost
we have lost
the present, the future…
not just the past…

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The Love Story

Tuitions are a part and parcel of every student’s life in Srinagar and so were they a part of mine. Life was full of the same old things – tuitions, firings, crackdowns, exams, movies and more tuitions. It was during this monotonous schedule of going to tuitions that I first saw her…

Unlike most of the guys my age, my heart didn’t flutter for girls. No girls had place in my life. My friends thought of me as some oddball – but I liked my life as it was. Guys in my tuition group knew all the girls in the group who used to come after our tuition session. Many of them I had heard talk of being smitten by the love sickness. I laughed at them and knew that my life had no place for such things. I was happy with the way my life was – no love letters to write, no gifts to buy, no talking on phone for ever and ever. My life was certainly better without the pangs of love that my friends oft complained of. I couldn’t be bothered to stare at the faces of the girls who (to me it seemed so) came just to get attention from guys.

Well, I knew not what was in store for me.

* * * * *

One day my very close friend, Iqbal called me and sounded extremely excited. He said that he had been thinking for two days about this and today was sure it … there was this girl amongst the group who came after our math tuition session who was interested in me. “Tumhara deemaag kharaab hai! (You are crazy!)” I blasted at him. He pleaded with me to listen to him and told me how he had reached this conclusion. He told me of how he had noticed this pretty girl staring at me for past few days when she came to the tuition center. I was afraid that this was some stupid joke that my friends were playing on me and told him so. He asked me that if I didn’t believe him, I could see her the next tuition session and decide for myself. “I don’t care and I really have no time for your nonsensical ideas!” I exclaimed and banged the phone on him.

“Khurram beta, kyiamsundu phone ousi? (Khurram, who was calling?)” my mother asked as she entered the room and saw me banging the phone. Suddenly I could feel my blood rush to my face – I thought I was blushing — my ears felt hot and tremor gripped my heart. Why was this happening to me? I had not done anything! What was it? Somehow I managed to blurt out that it was Iqbal on the phone and left the room leaving my mother wondering why I was so angry with Iqbal.

Sitting in my room I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. I tried to concentrate on finishing the diagram on my practical file, but just found it impossible. I reasoned with myself that this was just some practical joke Iqbal was playing on me since I had been making fun of him for so long – but what if it was true? …and even if it was true… why should I care? I tried to pacify myself but I could feel a wish enrooted in my heart – I wanted to know who she was?

The next day our Math’s teacher cancelled the tuition session, as he had to visit some relative of his who was admitted to the hospital after being injured in a cross-firing incident. As we started to leave homewards I could feel a pounding in my heart – I can’t see her today! But there was no way I was going to tell Iqbal about how I felt. I could wait. Tomorrow was not that far!

Her thoughts seemed to encompass my life – I kept wondering what she looks like, how she thinks, her hair, her smile … A thousand fantasies engulfed me and I could only sing songs of love for the one who is just a fantasy. There was many that I had seen on television. I couldn’t help but think of myself as a hero in a hindi movie who is wondering what his dream girl looks like. I caught myself smiling while alone – I was listening to love songs on my stereo. Everything else lost meaning – there was only her.

The next math’s tuition class I had no idea what the Professor was talking about. I was thinking of her, and waiting for the session to finish. My eyes were fixed at the wooden door which was open – she could be here any moment. It is then that I saw her – and she was looking at me! I looked back at her; I wanted to grasp her whole self in that one glance. She looked confused and turned back.

She was beautiful… the most beautiful thing God had created. She looked like a flower shrouded in her olive green kameez shalwar. Her face was pure innocence. Her duppata on her shoulder partly covered her silky hair beneath. She had moved away from where I could see her – yet her image seemed to surround me. There was nothing that I could envision except for her.

I was in love – and I knew she loved me too. Iqbal pointed her out to me as we were leaving from the tuition center, “Did you see her – she was practically staring at you man!” I shook my head and told him, “Goyi bakwaas agaadi (why are you stuck at this nonsensical talk!)” and both of us walked home wards.

* * * * *

She had changed my life. I didn’t know what wonders falling in love could bring to one. I enjoyed sitting alone and thinking of her. I often realized that that while alone I was talking to her and smiling by myself. However, I decided that the love we share will not become another love affair that I used to hear of every other day. She was pure and I promised myself that I would never reveal this secret association which had developed in that instance of her eyes meeting mine. It was our secret and that that mattered was the two of us knowing it.

Weeks passed like this. I told no one about her. I never caught her looking at me like that again – but I knew it was just because she was shy. And I knew in my heart that she knows that I love her… so what else mattered?

If she ever came early to the tuition center I knew it was for me.. if she ever looked prettier than usual I knew it was for me. I smiled at myself and thought of myself as very lucky. She was a good student – I promised myself that I won’t let her down and put my heart and soul in studies.

One whole month had passed – in this silence. I saw her everyday at the tuition center. We didn’t need to talk to each other to profess our love – it was spoken in the language that eyes speak. Ah! Now I knew what the poets meant by that.

I was never a religious boy. Born in a Muslim family I always went for Friday prayers and fasted during the month of Ramadan – but that was it. I had never given a though to religion – I was a born Muslim and that was it. Then one day she started wearing hijab. Something in my heart told met – ah! She is my inspiration!

Her wearing hijab opened new doors to my life. I always had the conviction that there is one God, but I started to understand what it really meant. This understanding added to my personality and helped me realize the purpose of my existence. My heart was so full of gratitude to her – she was the one who had shown me the way.

Life went on like this and nobody knew of my devotion for her – except for her – she knew – isn’t it? The flower of love had found a place in my heart and had bloomed to its fullest. My life was full of bliss.

* * * * *

Then once it so happened that she didn’t come for tuition for a few days consecutively. I grew restless and prayed that all be fine with her. She reappeared one whole week later – twinkle in her eyes and a smile on her face.

Iqbal went to her and said something… I saw her smiling back. What was it that I didnt know? Iqbal came back and said, “Why don’t you go and congratulate her? She is engaged yaar! The guy is a computer programmer or something and …” Iqbal went on giving me the details – but I could hear no more. I could feel a lump raise in my throat – my eyes were moist and my vision was blurred.

It couldn’t be!

She had betrayed me! How could she do this to me? My misery knew no bounds – I felt like someone had plunged a knife through my heart. I couldn’t believe my eyes – she was happy! I made up my mind to go and ask her – what right did she have to break my heart like this?

Nothing could stop me now – with all determination I walked up to her. She and her friends were taken aback by my unexpected interference in their moments of cheer and laughter. I looked at her – there was stood looking just as pure and innocent as the first time I saw her. She looked happy – I opened my mouth to say something, I could feel my mouth dry and …”C…congratulations!” – That was the only thing I could say. She thanked me politely and I walked towards Iqbal feeling most dejected and lost.

Iqbal was in a very jovial mood. He looked at me and smiled, “Hey do you remember when I tried to fool you and told you that she was interested in you? Boy! You are smart I still don’t know how you knew that it was a joke. You didn’t speak about it.”

My heart felt a sharp pain– unable to speak, I just looked at him. He was going on and on, “You know what had happened is that I got to know that she had lost her notes and – it was easy I just spread the word that you had found them. The poor girl was hoping that you would return them, but I guess since she was not sure of it she never came to ask you for them….” I could feel an excruciating soreness inside myself… The only thing I was aware of was the pounding in my heart.

* * * * *

This was the end of my story of falling in love – love that never was there. Today when I look back – I can only smile. Yet, I am thankful to her for opening to me the doors of thinking about the reason of my existence. It is not betrayal that I feel – but gratitude.

written on 16.03.2003

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Lest we forget…

3rd century BC – Ashoka’s rule.

* Kashmiris become famous throughout Asia as learned, cultured an humane and intellectual contribution of writers, poets, musicians, scientists to the rest of India was comparable to that of ancient Greece to European civilization.

Spread of Islam

* A Buddhist priest Rinchen left his home in Ladakh, after the murder of his father and took refuge at King Shadeva’s court in Kashmir.
* Muslims from Swat, Shah Mir, came to Kashmir looking for work.
* Mongols (under Dulacha) invaded Kashmir in absence of Sahadeva.
* Rinchen was supported by Shah Mir and some of the feudal lords, and met a Muslim saint by the name of Bulbul Shah.
* Richen took the name of Saddrudin and converted to Islam. His conversion marks the beginning of Muslim rule in Kashmir. Rinchen is remembered as just and wise ruler. Janaraja calls him a, ‘lion among men’. His reign did not last long.

1354: The first great king of Muslim period

* Shahab-ud-Din came to throne in 1354, after the devastation of the Mongol attack.
* Foreign expeditions led by Shahab-ud-Din to Balistan, Ladakh, Kishtwar and Jammu.
* Shahab-ud-Din loved learning, patroised art & architecture.
* Devastating flood in 1361 – general well being.
* Shahab-ud-Din died in 1373, passing throne to Qutb-ud-Din

Qutub-ud-Din and spread of Islam

* During the reign of Qutb-ud-Din the spread to Islam increased.
* Muslims from west and central Asia, in search of refuge from the Mongols arrived in Kashmir.
* The most influencial among them, Mir Syed Ali came with hundreds of missionaries or syeds, from Hamdan and other parts of Persia.
* Qutub-ud-Din was succeeded by son Sikander in 1389 – his youngest son was propularly called Bud Shah

Bud-shah (the great king)

* Came to throne in 1420 and his reign lasted to 1470.
* After Bud-shah the Shah-Mir began to decline.

Mughals attack Kashmir

* The fame of Kashmir attracted the Mughals to the valley but they failed to dominate the valley.
* In the reign of Babur’s son, Humayun, Mirza Haider Dughlat, a cousin of Babar’s mother, conquered Kashmir in 1540.

The Chaks

* In 1555, Ghazi Chak become king of Kashmir, which brought an end to the 200 year old dynasty of Shah Mirs.

1558: Akbar came to the throne

* He led Kashmir’s incorporation into the Mughal empire.
* 1586: marks the beginning of Kashmir’s modern history.
* In Oct 1586, Mughal army marched into Srinagar—Akbar was proclaimed the emperor.

Jehangir and his love of Kashmir

* Jehangir ascended the throne in 1605 and adorned Kashmir with over 700 gardens – like Shalimar (abode of love) and Nishat (garden of gladness).
* For several years in succession, Jehangir and his wife Nurmahal, remained in Kashmir during the summer.

Shah Jehan

* Shah Jehan came to throne in 1627, and too was fond of Kashmir.
* Aurangzeb was the last of the Mughal emperors to make any impact on the history of Kashmir.

1700 – Mo-i-muqaddas brought to Kashmir

* a strand of the beard of the Prophet was brought to Kashmir by the servant of a wealthy Kashmiri merchant.
* It was originally displayed in Khanqah Naqshband in Srinagar, but the mosque could not accommodate the crowds.
* It was therefore taken to another mosque on the banks of Dal, which first came to be known as Asrar-i-Sharif and then Hazratbal – the lake of the Hazrat (the Prophet).
* It stayed there ever since, with one brief interlude in 1963, when it mysteriously disappeared.

1738: Nadir Shah invaded Delhi

* weakening the Mughal rule, and hence the influence of the Mughals in Kashmir.
* The governers of Kashmir became “irresponsible and cruel”.

1762 : Afghans attack Kashmir

* in alliance with the Dogra ruler of Jammu, Raja Ranjit Dev, the Afghans attacked Kashmir and captured Sukh.
* When the Afghan leader, Ahmed Shah Durrani, died in 1772, Jawan Sher, the Afghan ruler of Kashmir, set himself as an independent ruler.
* Afghan rule lasted for a little more than 50 years – remembered as one of the darkest in Kashmiri history.

The Sikhs

* Through assistance of the Sikhs and Ranjit Singh – a ruler in nominal alliance with their Afghan opressors—Kashmir overthrew their Afghan opressors.
* Kashmiris asked help from a foreign power!
* In 1834, Colonel Mian Singh Kumedan from Gujranwala was appointed the governer. He tried to bring the valley out of the economic chaos a result of 1833 famine.
* After the death of Ranjit Singh, Gulab Singh took control of events. The cordial relationship between the East India Company and the Sikh empire also died out.

Kashmir for sale : 1846

* 1845: War between the Sikhs and the East India Company
* 1846: Treaty of Amritsar signed between the British and Gulab Singh.
* Gulab Singh paid one crore rupees to the British. 25 Lakhs were later waived.
* “Each one of us was purchased by Dogra ruler for 3 rupees, said Mian qayum, President of Srinagar’s Bar Association in 1994.

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Hum Kya Chahtay — Azadi!

The slogan that has fuelled the Kashmiri struggle for ‘freedom’ – continues to elude us even after years of bloodshed, agony and pain. We – ‘hum’ refers to all who happen to live in Kashmir and cry out for… ‘Azadi’ – Freedom.

As ironical as it sounds each person who lives in Kashmir or identifies himself to this concept of Azadi continues to live on thinking that we want Azadi not knowing what exactly this means to them as a nation, as a people.

This need for freedom goes from individual level to the level of a nation – and at each level taking different meanings – remaining elusive, abstract, and unattainable.

As a nation, politically speaking – Kashmir wants freedom from Indian occupation. The reason is an amalgam of many reasons that not necessarily all the Kashmiris would agree upon. The reason ranges from the facts that are burried in the historical documents and events, to nationalistic reasons of seperation on basis of language, skin colour and a distinct culture, moving to immense hatred for India and its policies, to reasons which seem to be having a semblance to ‘need of a separate state based on ideology and religion.’ In reality nobody is quite sure of the reason(s).

The only thing we are sure of as a nation is that we have clung fast to this slogan from its very inception and have used it as a binding force, as a fuel to the so called freedom struggle. Today it loses much of its meaning, it loses the fervour it used to cause, it loses all the passion and emotion that it used to generate. The slogan is lost, just as the hope to achieve freedom is lost somewhere.

There have been politically master planned attempts to have people Kashmiris get rid of this slogan and take another… for e.g. I remember Mehbooba Mufti’s attempt to change to slogan to “Hum kya chahtay – shanti” (shanti for peace), and more recently I saw photographs of a “jaloos” with a placard with “Hum kya chahtay – insaaf” (insaaf for justice). Ironically, none of these is going to stay as an identity to the Kashmiri struggle. … and paradoxically, there cant be any semblance of peace and justice without freedom.

And freedom not just at the political front, but freedom of the nation — politically, economically, socially, religiously – and the freedom at the national level trickling down to the individual level.

Freedom from poverty, freedom from fear of going out of home after 6.00 p.m., freedom from the lies, freedom of expression, freedom from helplessness, freedom from that lump that rises in the throat and sends down tears…freedom to live life…

Truly we need freedom…
… for we are trapped
Trapped in our own desires…
…. unfulfilled, unaccounted for
Taunted by the fences…
… our freedom waits with
Tears in its eyes…
… for the hope
That is lost…

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Ummah Enslaved

We are the Muslim Ummah
Slaves of Kufr!

We sit back and cry
As our brethren die
Yet, some of us are so great
That we start cursing the Muslim fate
Among us, there are some more
Who remark; “Muslims! There is no cure!”
While there are others least concerned?
When Muslims are killed and their houses burned

We are the Muslim Ummah?
Slaves of Kufr!

Muslims are we, proud we stand
Islam: its essence- we hardly understand!
O’ yes we had a great past
But no! Our future seems lost!
We used to be rulers, the leaders of the world
But today, enslaved! Laughing stock of the world
There was a time when we caused awe
Today we think of surviving each day

We are the Muslim Ummah?
Slaves of Kufr!

Some of us just don’t care
Miserable souls, got nothing to share
Our neighbour dies: we shut the doors
What Ummah? I cry, ” WHERE is that force?”
Muslims arise, you indifferent slaves
With what face, will ye face your graves?

We are the Muslim Ummah?
Slaves of Kufr!

With colonised minds, ready to prostate
In front of any power, lesser than The Great.
Escapists!
Lets face it!
We’re no better than the cattle in the meadow
Like grass, bending wherever the wind blows

We are the Muslim Ummah?
Slaves of Kufr!

But hey. Watch out! There sure is hope
If we all hold fast to Allah’s rope
With Iman and determination
Let us create a sensation.
Let us stop this enslavement of minds
For, one who strives is one who finds!

We are the Muslim Ummah-
Tired of this reign of Kufr!

Poz cha apuz?

Thursday, February 08, 2007 at 12:53 PM IST

I dont know how many of you have actually had people ask you… “Poz cha apuz?” (true or false) when you didnt even know what they were asking about, expecting an answer from you…

This is the koshur way of guessing.. like flipping a coin.. or plucking the petals of a flower out..and depending on the answer the other person makes some conclusions.. that put the heart at ease…

And such a blatant question to ask in a society where “apuz” is unfortunately the norm…brings so many question marks in my mind..

And again when I say “apuz” is the norm in our society.. it is not necssarily the big fat lies that poeple speak — it is the small and seemingly useless lies that form part of the way we converse.. It is strange how easily we are willing to lie about things that dont matter at all…

I mean… lying is never justifiable — but it certainly makes no sense when people lie without any gain.. for the sake of that hollow “self-esteem” at times, and a lot of times.. for no reason other than the fact that it is the accepted norm..

“Bate Khyothe?….. ” [Hav u eaten?]
“aa..mye chu khyomet”…. [Yes]
[never ending zaarpaar follows.. including series of "balai lagai..ratchip lagai...myeni dreee..humsind dree....myoni marun... bla bla bla..."]
“acha… chani mujib khemai….” [fine.. i'll eat ...]

And if you actually do not conform to this setup of zaarpaaring you are inhospitable…

if we can lie about something as mundane and so much a part of kashir life — batte — we can lie abt anything…

and then..
when I say apuz is the norm of our society, i put forth a question to you:

Poz cha apuz?

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Mad Cow Syndrome.

when
Cow –> dumb
becomes
Cow –> mad

We call it the mad cow disease….
Mad cow disease… funny as it may sound has nothing funny about it…

but when people start getting obsessed with cows… (yes! you heard me right…obsessed with cows).. I’d think they r suffering from mad cow syndrome…

Look at what one of my friends in her obsession with cows did:

Now this is the height of imagination…The colourful cow… bright and shiny… look at how the eyes and the tail colour match… I was told there was a secret relation between the cow’s eyes and tail… The moment the cow closes it eyes.. the tail drops down..(Eowwww!! )
And did you notice that the cow was actually doing a .. with its tongue out..

Now that the cow has been created in one of the imaginative sprees of my friend here..lets extend the imagination and try to visualise what would happen if this crazy cow were to walk into a meadow full of cows.. would the other cows accept it like just any other cow.. or would they walk away and stare at the cow like she was an alien…
From the knowledge I have gathered about cow behaviour (i guess i am expert now that I am writing a second article on cow.. phew! ).. I guess the cows would NOT accept this colourful and fancy cow amongst them.. ‘adjustment problem’
In spite of the fact that the intrinsic nature of this cow is no different from other cows, and the only difference lies in the vibrant colours that have adorned her, she would automatically become an outcast — a threat to the norm…

Isnt this pretty much how human societies work? Unable to comprehend the differences (esp. if they stand out), we shun all that doesnt fit our conception of norm… without even trying to understand why these differences arise (in this case some wild imagination), and whether these differences actually change the basic characteristic of the individual….

One cant blame the cows if they shrug their shoulders (or their tails) and move away not being able to accept the a different cow… for cows are dumb

…but what to speak of humans who do the same?

PS: I would like to extend my special thanks to Z & A for using their imaginative powers to make this cow abnormally colourful….

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